Big Wheels

The wheel, gets us where we need to go and can take us back as well. Wheels and the reference to them are everywhere, your car, your bike, we talk about the ”wheels” at work, “the big wheels are coming in today.” The wheel of fortune. The iconic 70’s kids bike, squeaky wheel gets the grease, wheels in motion, hands on the wheel. The shape of the wheel is of course the circle. Circle the wagons, we have you surrounded, may the circle be unbroken, circle of blessing, put a ring on it. A powerful shape indeed.

We sit in a circle for group discussions. We can have healing circles, drum circles, prayer circles, the infinity sign. Rings - promise, engagement or wedding. When you put a ring on it, everything changes and that ring becomes a symbol to the world that the hand that wears it has been chosen and is now connected or bound, belonging. In spirituality, the circle is a sacred symbol and I made sure to include one in my company logo. It represents the connection and the interdependence of the all. For me, the circle is eternity and unity, timeless, unbreakable and all encompassing. The wheel of time, wheels in any dimension. We really need to sit back and trust the process and the trials of life that sometimes stop those big wheels from turning , or so it seems. Those trials should not diminish how we see life or how we then continue with it. Sometimes we learn and heal and see so much clearer when we stop moving.

The world is constantly changing and everyone is so busy. I think our attention spans have definitely decreased. Videos longer than a few seconds or minutes don’t get as many views, people don’t want to stay engaged in conversation and it seems odd if you text,” be right back” instead of brb. I know, it’s progress and evolution but it’s sort of flat and empty and for me, it is just not fulfilling and I’m not usually satisfied when I edit and alter to shorten things. I love connecting and talking and feeling and don’t rush me.

“I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round

I really love to watch them roll

no longer riding on the merry go round

I just had to let it go”

John Lennon

I’ve tried my best to keep on moving and sometimes the only motivation I’ve had to do that was the pain that I was in where I was. Obviously I’ve had dreams and things I’ve wanted and I always tried as much as I was able to move towards them. I would apply for a job, get hired and calmly decide to look for employment elsewhere if I wasn’t happy. I didn’t wait for someone to help me, I went for the things I wanted for myself. Always understanding the importance of forward motion. As time went on, the more trauma I went through, the more difficult I found it to keep moving forward in any capacity. Most of us just keep on going right? Wired and tired, not enough sleep, maybe burnt out adrenals, no self care, not enough passion but lots of pain. Just keep going - get to the weekend, get through the day, is it five o’clock yet? Sometimes on a Friday the thought would creep in - maybe this weekend is the weekend I will change my life! I’m going to just get it together, implement better routines, clean my closet, fall in love. I’m just going to snap out of it and regroup and shine my light. Sometimes that’s just not possible and that is something we all need to make peace with. Please don’t believe everything you see on social media or in life itself. Lots of people are so image conscious or so concerned about being everything to everyone that they aren’t tending to the real, if they even have it. I’m not suggesting this is everyone, I’m just reminding you to not compare your reality to others especially if you aren’t even sure it’s real.

When we’re going through something and having to face hard things, we can get stuck for long periods of time and that isn’t just this thing called “time.” I’m begging you not to forget that this “time” is a word we’ve assigned to our actual life ticking away and passing. Living for the weekend? Five days of your life just went by and you will never get them back. What did you do with them? When we’re stuck, we’re often told to “just keep moving forward”. It really is advice that’s meant to help us, but don’t you just want to answer sometimes with a sarcastic - “oh, wow - thanks so much! I never THOUGHT OF THAT!” I suppose it is good advice because the pain or difficulty can’t last forever and we must grow and keep going as we work out solutions, but it’s not always so easy. When we’re grieving, it’s like there is no possible way of moving forward and if anything, we want to go back in time to return and reunite with the person, pet or situation we lost and I think we should. It’s like returning for a visit so that we can feel that immense love again as it goes into every cell of our body. We can be under that delicious spell and in revisiting, we can also help ourselves heal. I carry everyone I ever lost in my heart, there is simply no other way for me. I remember a quote on a sympathy card I received when I lost my father; “What the heart has once owned, it can never lose.” Although I live by this, I still move forward in order to live my life with as much peace, power, happiness and love as I can. However, I go through blocks of time where I just can’t. I am triggered by something, be it a song or a synchronicity and I’m off on a spiral for a little while. I try to remember that it’s ok, I’m still moving forward but I am pausing to honor and acknowledge the great love, the bond, the life lived, the moments in time that stay frozen. I’m riding that grief wave and I don’t fight it. I find that if I always have something to look forward to, it really helps me with the whole moving forward thing. I’ve experienced some periods in my life where I was almost paralyzed with indecision or depression or anxiety, scared to make a move because - what if it’s the wrong one? I don’t want to stay stuck but I do not want to make a mistake or cause myself more pain. I remind myself that it’s ok and this life is such a gift and most definitely not long enough. The pause and regroup and grief is ok but I have to keep the wheels of my life moving so that I can experience love, beauty, wonder, passion, nature, people - joy. I journal, spend time outside in nature, go to the beach. I take long baths in my tub, make lists, meditate, plant things and then I’m purposely very still. I let myself stop and do nothing so that I can move forward and the big wheels can keep on moving. So in my stillness, I am enabling myself to move forward with even more momentum.

I had a really strange dream awhile ago. I was in the ocean and I saw the smoky gray color of the still water and at the same time the waves were causing the constant motion as they do. I could see the horizon and the glistening trail of the sun. The water was moving around me and gently brushing my sides. As I steadied myself I felt the fingers of the water climb higher on my body but it was warm and comforting. Standing beside me was a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a long time, it’s been years. I have never dreamt of her before or since, only this once. She didn’t speak but looked into my eyes and nodded her head as the water became silent. She stared into me for what felt like forever. There was no smile, just that stare. In her hands was a wheel with symbols on it. It was the size of a large steering wheel and it looked to be made of wood. She looked down at it and back up into my eyes as she handed it to me. Never smiling or changing expression, I felt like her gaze was saying that this thing we’re doing is no joke. It’s super important and a pretty big deal and definitely not just about this or us, it felt bigger - much bigger. I took it from her and held it with both of my hands and that is all that I remember. I think that’s pretty profound and it feels like there is something more to it. I felt the weight of that dream and I feel it still. It was a message or an assignment and not just a dream. I have not been able to feel like I know what the message is for sure but it did inspire this blog so maybe, this and all that will come after this is part of it somehow.

“Will the Circle Be Unbroken”

Ada R. Habershon

I think it’s ok to stop and feel and remember in order to return, you don’t have to constantly be in motion.

“But my love for you is like a sinking ship
And my heart is on that ship out in mid-ocean”

Anna McGarrigle

I feel powerful when I stop and just sit with a situation. I try to be an objective observer of what’s happening if it’s current or what’s coming up for me and why if it’s past. I watch and listen and stop and feel in the quiet. It’s hard to explain but I can feel the air become heavier and it is like it’s full of the pause. Me being still and not moving forward is actually bringing more. It’s as though I’m loading the air with my stillness. I can get clarity and hear myself think. I feel like on all sides, the air is full of what can be and the promise and the hope of all that I can make happen. I am not dishonoring or discounting the past or the people in it. I am not brushing aside the threads of all that I’ve been through but they are not the only threads that make me, I am about so much more. If I slowly trust and move forward while remembering the mindfulness, the crystalline and maybe even the metamorphosis of the still, then my forward motion has so much more momentum and I can travel far, much farther than if I hadn’t taken the time to take a break from the turning wheels.

I hope the same for you.

Love XO