I Know You Are But What Am I?
So many comedic references about this well known comeback to an insult that’s meant to infuriate the giver of said insult. Although it’s great and most always makes me laugh, what I really want to focus on is judgement. Not opinions or differences of - but judgement. We all give and receive judgement, it’s part of the human experience. When judgement is wielded upon us, it can sometimes be a wrecking ball. I think some long lasting damage is done when we judge ourselves, “the call is coming from inside the house !” When we judge others we give ourselves the illusion of power, we think it and decide that it is now this way. Do we even judge judgement correctly? Do we always recognize it when it’s happening to us, are we being self aware when we are doing it to others? It can be such an automatic response. When we’re the ones being judged, it can sometimes affect us so much that we get swept away by it and now we’re at another place in the water and we must fight to get back to where we were. It’s been my experience that there is no escaping it and it is constant. I’ve been blindsided by it as I was thoroughly enjoying myself not the slightest bit aware that it was behind me, poised to yank me out of line. My stories are important for me to tell in hopes that they help or inspire you. When I started putting this entry together I went through a gamut of different emotions and poignant memories. An integral part of my healing and I think the healing journey as a whole for everyone is going there and letting yourself feel all of the emotions as you relive, return and get it all over you so that you can release it. I did a deep dive for this and I knew it would get all over me and it sure did. I still feel a little angry about the limits judgement has placed on me and my life and the things and people I may have missed out on because of it. I really grieved some of the people and experiences that I know I missed for sure. Some things are always going to remain a part of me and I want it that way but I have released the parts that were holding me back. I wrote so much about it because I feel so much about it. I admit I got pretty “judgey” reminiscing about it all. I want to take you there in hopes of setting you free, giving you food for thought and opening your mind in regards to dealing with the many faces of judgement.
I thought long and hard about this entry. If Love Land is about healing and light and mindfulness why then, would I write from this place and talk this way about these things? Because healing is always occurring and we are all at different places on the journey. I know that these words will be seen and felt by some that need to see and feel them. This could be a very early stop for someone’s healing journey and with me writing the way that I do they can see I can meet them where they are. You can feel the places that my story is coming from and so still, can I. We know what we should do, what should not bother or anger us. What we should not spend time on, discuss, think about - but that doesn’t mean we can always do it. It’s hard to be hurt and function while trying to have growth. We need to think about not just what we’ve endured but what we have wished for. We need to go there so that there can be evolution. Love Land is a place for the broken and the mended, the dark and the light. It’s a place for love, healing, transformation, story telling and acceptance.
When I was very young, I was so happy to get nice things, explore different places and talk to new people. I was shy but I still immensely enjoyed the new and was always so excited to tell people all about my world. I can vividly remember some of my first experiences along with some early conversations as I began to learn about judgement. There is a pretty profound memory I have that has stayed with me like it was yesterday. It was one of the very first times that I was fully aware I was being judged and ridiculed. I was crushed and ran into the house looking for my mother. It was summertime and my bare feet kept sticking to the wood floor as I ran. I heard music coming from the end of the hallway so I knew exactly where to find her. She was putting laundry away and I heard the familiar rub of the dresser drawer being closed as I entered her room. I rushed to her as I began explaining what happened. The words stuck in my throat at first and then I started rambling and speaking louder as I recounted every detail. During certain parts of my retell I began to sob as I covered my face with both hands. I felt embarrassed and ashamed of who I was, what I was feeling and everything about me and I didn’t want to be “seen”. In an instant I felt like so much was wrong with me, simply because they were making fun of me for things that I was saying. I felt a flush of embarrassment, I was heartbroken. The judgement shocked me because my judge and jury did not even know me. I uncovered my face to look up at my mother searching desperately for an explanation or a fix so that I could escape the awful feelings that I had. I can still see her white blouse, the stripes on her shorts and most importantly, the expression on her face as she walked toward me. I didn’t want to make eye contact, I was feeling utterly ashamed but I knew peace and love would be there so I looked at her. Her eyes looked so warm and soft, she also had that look that she got when she felt things with us, like she was about to cry as she simultaneously prepared to go into battle. She sat on the bed and held me as I buried my face into her long hair. She smelled of suntan lotion, flowers and home. I was always comforted by that smell and her love, which was a mighty shelter for our entire family. She was quiet for a long time and looking back, I don’t think she was able to speak. I kept asking while still in her embrace, “why are they saying things that aren’t true, they’re not even giving me a chance!” I remember feeling hollow in my chest and sick to my stomach and so, it began. I can feel it even now - that sick hollow feeling and honestly, I had to take a minute when I was writing this, I want my mom. If I had a time machine (that’s a story for another day ) but if I did - I would go to that little blonde girl with the face red from crying, chipped pink toenail polish and scratched up knees from crawling under trees to feed birds and squirrels and tell her that she is not what they say she is, she is so much more.
Wouldn’t we all love to go back and save our little selves before the confusion sets in? This is all part of life - I know, but I really wish it wasn’t. I would be so fortunate if I could say that this was a rare occurrence but sadly, it was just the beginning. If you’re thinking,” suck it up, that’s life, there are worse things, get over it” - this is Love Land so, no. The reason I feel this is so important to talk about is because it is a seed that becomes and gets into the fiber of our being, the cells of our bodies, it changes our hopes and beliefs about ourselves and what is possible for us and I really hate that! It changes the lightness of our souls as it spreads like a disease and sometimes we don’t even know it , we think it’s petty and just not big enough to leave a mark. We are told not to worry about it and we feel like we are being too much if we talk about it or the fact that it bothers us, maybe because it doesn’t seem big like other things that can shape us like losing our loved ones or coming of age. We can’t be sensitive and bothered by judgement because we will be judged for that ! We push it aside believing that we aren’t going to do, be, react differently - I mean… we aren’t going to let what they said get to us, right? We make our own decisions! All the while it is in us making us feel differently and dream differently and so then we begin to move differently in this world and that is not okay! When we go forward but also let others know we’ve been hurt or thrown by judgement, there is usually a standard response. “Don’t be so sensitive, stop worrying, suck it up!” ”Not everyone wins a prize, you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea! “Move on, let it go, forget it, get over it! “You’re taking it wrong” , “I can’t believe you’re upset by that,” “life is not fair!” “Did you think it through?” One of my all time favorites, “it’s just not that simple"!”
I wonder if the things we think we can or cannot do and what we attempt or ignore are even from us or were they planted there by others?
“I know you are but what am I?”
Judgement and the fear of it has made me make different choices, not speak up, not step forth in ways I’ve wanted to. I have lost precious time because of it and It has made me lose. I’ve walked hand in hand with doubt in some crucial moments where I should have been stronger and stood up for my life, my happiness. It has convinced me to not be, go, wear, do, love, live as free as I’ve longed to. I think it’s important to say here that what I’ve wanted to do hasn’t been that radical, yet the opinions of others have at often times, mattered more than my own desires and I have known people that felt the same way. Afraid to speak up or make a stand for fear of possibly not being accepted, stumbling, getting dirty, change. For the record I can proudly say that this is no longer the case for me. I have compassion, gratitude, peace, clarity, strength, love and scars. My hope and wish is for everyone to be happy and pleased and that matters to me very much but if they aren’t in agreement or approval of what I do, it is not going to stop me from walking my path, my way.
“I know you are but what am I?”
When I first decided to start my business, I was speaking to a friend about my vision. I was describing my ideas and saying things like -“do you think I could do…..” and she said, “it’s yours - you can do whatever you want with it, you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval!” That moment was crystalline, I was doing it! Even more beautiful and powerful was the realization that this simple yet gigantic statement applied not just to my businesses but to my entire life, to all of our lives - from day one. It can feel strange to process being “allowed” especially when we have lived with harsh judgement, been trained to be a people pleaser and want something for ourselves so badly.
“It’s yours…….you can do whatever you want with it!
Going through difficult things is how we learn to cope, navigate and live through, so difficulty is certainly one of our teachers. As we experience it, on the surface it seems as though we’re learning a lot and we are developing that thicker skin, that armor that we need, yes? We can’t fall apart just because something hurts, if we’re judged harshly we can’t hold court and tell people who we are and plead our case at every turn. Let them think what they want, who cares, right? My mom would say “maybe they are just envious” or “they pick on others so that they feel better about themselves because they were not taught about kindness and we should try to be very kind to them because they may be really hurting.” Yes, this can all be true but slow down and take a closer look at what else may be occurring as we blow by all of this stuff. On one hand, don’t give your energy to negativity because it is not worthy and yet as we ignore the judgements and constantly push them away, what are we telling ourselves is acceptable? What are we allowing in and what are we making ourselves endure, totally undeserved? We may start to get the sense that people might not really want to hear it or maybe we are embarrassed that we feel it so we don’t say anything. This doesn’t have to be about huge life changes or decisions, it can be not wanting to go somewhere or not wanting to spend time with people that treat you badly or make jokes at your expense all night. Talking about nothing, listening to great music, dancing, having a drink, playing outside, laughing - love that ! We can certainly just hang out we don’t need to stare into each others eyes and read poetry (not that there’s anything wrong with that;) but maybe we become tired of the bullshit sometimes and tired of being wrong no matter what we say or do. Tired of seeing people that we thought had our back give each other the “look” about us. So then we just don’t subject ourselves to it, we need a break from feeling the judgement. We start becoming distant or we say yes less and less because we just don’t have the energy to put ourselves out there, we can’t take it anymore, we are exhausted. We quietly change course as we convince ourselves that maybe our idea was dumb or we were being too cocky or maybe we should try harder to be whatever they want. We analyze our behavior and things that we speak on, did we say or do something wrong? Should we have worn that ? We put ourselves through it while our judges don’t give it a second thought, they’re judging it up someplace else by now and we’re still ruminating. We resign, but no need to check on us, we’re fine.
“Just because something is familiar doesn’t mean it is okay.” Read that again.
I got in the habit of purposely not showing joy and I actually depressed myself because I did not want to give in to happiness and let others know anything good was happening for me. I was scared to be happy, scared of envy and transported right back to that summer day. Once in a while I still catch myself feeling really good and thinking, “ I am so happy - something might happen - I better not get too cocky, I don’t want to be punished. “ I know that’s crazy because not only is it wrong to feel but the universe does not work that way. This response is in me still and can be a hard habit to break.
Judgement of others is yet another winding road - we evaluate the information we have about someone or something to decide if it is right for us or simply to decide what to “file it under”. We use it to make small choices and big ones all day long. We choose paths, leaders and our lovers based on our judgement. It can be so harsh and locked in and usually leaves little room for change. I think sometimes we think we’re being careful as we level judgment after gathering information, hearing gossip or noticing things that our subject does or says, their ways of being in the world that are different. We forget that there is a process to things and we think because something seems or feels a certain way, that it won’t change. When something first changes or we make a move and change things in our life, it will be uncomfortable and feel a little scary because it isn’t familiar and everyone affected is going through that learning curve with us in some way. The unknown is scary and even if it is a good scared, it can often feel like too much. We don’t always give things time to acclimate and become, we have difficulty so then this thing is wrong and will always feel weird. All of the things we hate when they are done to us, right? Yes, we need to do these things when we are making an important choice or for some simply deciding to say yes to that dinner invitation. We can’t just make a decision or go into a union without evaluation. We feel like we are making an informed choice and not being reckless but it’s a slippery slope. It is so important to be mindful, gentle and use discernment but be careful because judgement is sitting right there too.
When we think we are guilty of being judgmental and we feel badly about it, we can also first take a look at what is really occurring. I do think we should always slow way down and take another look. If we’ve been rejected, we usually judge the person and assume they wanted to reject us because we are flawed or we didn’t pass their tests. Maybe they didn’t want to reject us at all, maybe they are haunted by their choice. It’s possible that they received erroneous information intentionally or otherwise and they believed it because they were manipulated or their weaknesses were preyed upon. It would then appear to even them that they were making their own choice. Maybe the rejection of us is about them, their fears or what they are being told to believe. Maybe we were judged and then rejected so quickly because they didn’t give it time out of fear or they didn’t posses the strength to make any other choice, it’s easier to bail. Maybe..…they just suck at choosing ! No matter the reason, they gave us a hard pass. Let it fall and let the universe make order of it all. In the event you were wrongly accused or passed over for the promotion or the fairy tale, you may not get to see the look on their face when the reckoning comes and they awaken and realize you were the choice but they’ll have it, and it will stay with them forever - trust and believe that. Rejection is usually part of a grander design that the divine has for our life and quite possibly we were spared or it wasn’t the right time and someone was meant to learn a hard and haunting lesson.
I don’t think we should feel bad for making a judgement call if there are repeating patterns, attempts to control us, hurt us and manipulate our thought processes or choices. Are we paying consequences when we boldly think for ourselves or take our own path, try something new? Even if we’re offered that promotion, is it really the best move just because it’s up? Just when we start to get going and we are excited and happy is there a subtle or passive aggressive comment or seed planted that takes the wind right out of our sails? If we take a new path or fall in love are there suddenly saboteurs showing up all over the place because they wouldn’t choose the new? Maybe they are just “looking out for us” they say. Is this new position or venture too big of a leap for us? This new relationship is a little much, “too hot and heavy”, or “not real” or they “don’t understand” it doesn’t “make sense”, (always so confused as to why a relationship that you are not in has to make sense to you….. it is not about you - but whatever) “you’re moving too fast”, “get a room” they say, “why thank you, I think we will, or a whole house maybe!” It’s funny how these people melt or become ten feet tall when love comes knocking for them. You don’t usually understand it unless it’s happening to you. People are not always going to admit to, recognize or acknowledge when they are witness to or in the presence or midst of a powerful, eternal, unbreakable love, it can be a lot - a brand new experience! It can be rare, overwhelming, life changing, mind blowing and so they refuse to accept it exists. I think in situations like this it is certainly ok to make a judgement call because it’s pretty clear to see what’s unfolding. If these things are happening to you, protect your energy and your love and pay attention to how you feel, it’s your life. Make a choice to receive it all differently, do not let judgement in to rule your life, I think that love should rule it. Then proceed to live your life with love as you follow your heart and wish them well, always.
“It’s yours…….you can do whatever you want with it!
Being judged by people who don’t really know you or are bothered by your happiness can be pretty scary. It is a dark crazy experience that really hurts. I’ve been talked about, called names, had damage done, rumors spread, my character shredded and more. At times, my whole life has been sabotaged as people have made attempts to destroy my happiness. I would be really concerned if I was doing those things to someone because energy is a boomerang and what you give, you will most definitely get. I was accused of being, what they were doing. They were not talking about me, they were describing themselves. They just couldn’t believe that I was real with no agenda because they always operated with one and so they tried to destroy my character in hopes of making the playing field even. Accusing me of the very games, manipulations and seed planting they had been doing..….for years.
“I know you are, but what am I?”
“I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.” - Jessica Rabbit
Just let me live !
Did you ever notice that when others are judging us they also declare these things that are not based on reality most of the time and more often than not, they make no sense at all? They are designed to make them feel better and undermine your life and how you feel. To take from you and chip away at your peace and strength. They want anyone who likes you or loves you to see that they shouldn’t. That career move you’re making, that bothers them too. Unfortunately, they sometimes appear to be obsessed with making you feel awful and ruining things for you and it’s evident but no one wants to call them out so they think they are moving undetected, nope, they are simply being given grace. They are indeed everything they are saying you are. They decide not only who you are but they sometimes decide to also spread the news about who they have deemed you to be. The judgement is usually so bizarre or trite and designed to label you with a caution sign or make you be ineligible for things that you want to achieve. They launch that wicked campaign, because you are this then you can’t possibly be that. For years it was like I just couldn’t win, I was making changes in my life and it was as though every major move I made bothered someone. It was big and small and maddening! A guy I was seeing was approached by one of his neighbors outside one evening. The neighbor remarked that although he finally seemed really happy, he may be “in over his head by the looks of things”.
“I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.” - Jessica Rabbit
I’ve been called “high maintenance” because maybe I’m not ok with being in one sided relationships. Or maybe also because I like wearing heels sometimes and I’m into shopping and spa days and so then I’m that girl and nothing more. Wrong. I love being out in nature and actually prefer it. If they see me barefoot in the fall then I’m a free spirit , cool. Wait a minute, that also makes me careless and not serious enough. I am probably not settled and don’t work (I work all of the time) and I need to pay attention to serious things. If they see me messy, dirty outside with my animals then I am not good enough , I am too carefree and I could never hold my own in a serious situation, boardroom or five star - been there many times so….wrong again! I’ve been called rebellious after certain people in my life found out that they couldn’t control me and I going to be doing my own thing. It wasn’t anything crazy, it was simply different from everything they wanted me to do. Sometimes they made their judgement without even giving me a chance to tell the whole story or explain my plans. It’s confusing, exhausting, ridiculous, disheartening, manipulative, cold, harsh, flat, life changing. It is a thief and often times a liar. Judgement.
“They’re not even giving me a chance!”
I’ve had situations sabotaged by others because they didn’t want things to change or their covers to be blown by what I was bringing. It drove them crazy and infuriated them every time things started to work out for me. Maybe they put me down and minimized me so they could feel better about themselves and if that is the case then that is really unfortunate not just for them but for the other people they are doing this to. Do their people even have the ability to see this or is it too late for clarity? I really wish they could feel better about themselves and just be happy and not concern themselves with others unless they are being of service to the collective. When I have been in these situations they describe as “winning”, I am not “doing” anything, I am being authentic and just doing what is in my heart to do. All of the manipulative, strategic plays they describe, they know them well because they are their plays. All of the cards they accused me of playing - were their cards. They were so sure I wasn’t real and I had an agenda because they did. They didn’t want to lose control and order because control and order and appearance is all they brought to the table. I’m not “worth it”, really? Who are you to say that? That should not be said about anyone, we all matter. To decide that about me , what is that assumption based on? Everything they said I was, they were.
“I know you are, but what am I?”
“order in the court!”
The people that do this to others aren’t usually alone. I’ve often noticed they seem empowered when they have an audience or an entourage. A bunch of people who will give them those likes, in every way, it makes them feel better I guess. They travel in packs, a dark hoard? It’s been my experience that our light and our joy can be triggers for some people to interfere in our lives and take from us and that is so sad. I don’t understand why we do this to each other, even our own family members. I sincerely hope that deep down underneath all of the layers of this that none of it is done out of sheer meanness, maybe it is just fear. It feels a little better to think of it that way. People could be worried that we are going to leave them behind as we move on and make changes or that if things change for them, then it is over for them. Maybe they feel as though they won’t be a part of things in the same way or that our changing role or our absence will force them to step up in a way they aren’t prepared for or simply that the winds of change will get into their hair as well and they just aren’t ready.
Judgement - it can serve us because it may protect or inform us or those we love, but this is where a more gentle approach should be used instead. Mindfulness, perception, awareness, insightfulness and discernment; these are higher vibrational choices we can use to guide us.
The irony of all of this is not lost on me. I am being real and honest about how this made me feel, the damage it did to me and my life and my opinions about it. So yes, I am writing about judgement and judging my judges while I do it, I see that. It feels amazing and it is definitely as cathartic as it is ironic.
“I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.” - Jessica Rabbit
The thing is, I just do not care if my views on judgement are judged and it’s a great feeling. I am human and I have experienced things that have brought me to my knees. I’ve experienced incredible pain, heartbreak and things that have infuriated and stunned me. I have felt thrown away and been blown away by the lengths and depths people will go to in order to hurt and take from someone and the energy they use to do it. Yet some hesitate to use this much energy or barely any for that matter to show love or give to others. Please go help someone, so many need so much! Give to the greater good, change someones life instead of trying to wreck it!! So I feel like it is ok for me to be in this space and to be judgey about judgement as I share my personal thoughts and feelings about my own life. I look at it as a vessel that can possibly help others and serve the collective. My story has been a long time coming and the part that we all miss when telling our stories is that not only did we endure these things, we exchanged days of lives for it! Our precious unknown length of time on this planet has had this in it so, enough! I am liberated but not oblivious and certainly not numb to the price I’ve paid at the hands of others and it makes me sick!
My happiness and the happiness of my family is paramount and goes hand in hand with how much I create in this world and how much I am able to help. I have so much peace and clarity and I want the same for you. Don’t enter into any competition, just stay on your path. Be open to receive and allow the blessings to come. Be gentle with yourself and others, it’s not the easiest thing but at least try to use discernment and be mindful rather than judge before you have the facts and put a seal on something or someone, never to be broken. Tone down the knee jerk reactions or side eyes when someone bursts into the room, so happy about something or someone, YAY!! If your current state is not what you want, follow your heart and don’t accept anything less than the vision you have for your life and always, always stay madly in love with all of the things and people that you know are meant for you.
“It’s yours…….you can do whatever you want with it!
Judgement of ourselves and the feeling that we are not good enough is frequently automatic and it should not be. We need to work on loving ourselves and really knowing without a doubt that we are enough and that we are worthy of love. When we love ourselves, we form this relationship that gives us so much peace, power and strength and we can then exhale knowing that love is there. Love is everything, it is our center and our life force. It can be our sword, our shield, our shelter and our strength. We are living proof of divine love and we should never feel anything about ourselves but that.
Love is the answer and so - love hard, no judgement here. ;)
Love xo
